Master of His Trade
Bauman on his begging tour got round to the office of banker Seligsohn. The banker disliked Bauman's confident intrusive air and undertook to give him a lecture.
“When a man does take up the schnorring (begging) trade he ought to behave in a decent respectable manner. He ought not to come into a room with a stinking pipe and with his hat on his head. One should not demand alms, but should wait respectfully until something is given.”
"My dear sir," Bauman interrupted the wrathy stream of talk, smiling pityingly. "Do you think you can teach me schnorring?"
He Made It Half
Morris Newstone was going to be introduced to the family of his future bride. The go-between, who had him in hand, bing well aware of his client’s tendency to lie and exaggerate, besought him to hold himself strictly in check. Newstone promised everything, but the matrimonial ambassador refused to trust him and they decided on the following arrangement.
. Newstone was to appear extremely reticent and to speak as little as possible. When, however, he did speak, the shadchen was to kick him under the table to remind him of his promise and Newstone then was to say “only half” of what he had intended to say.
Everything went well at the home of the bride elect. Morris was a handsome fellow and made a good impression. He kept his word and said very little.
When the fish was brought in the conversation turned to the subject of fish, their preparation and their size. Morris could contain himself no longer.
"I once caught a pike" he began—the ffot of the shadchen commencing operations simultaneously—"I once caught a pike that was—I will not exaggerate (a kick from the shadchen) "that weighed (the shadchen kicked more vigorously)
"that weighed sixty-five and a half pounds."
Intense silence at the table and then they changed the subject.
When Morris and the shadchen came outside; the shadchen reproached Morris bitterly.
"You promised that when I'd kick you you would say only the half of what you intended, and yet you said the pike weighed sixty-five and a half pounds."
"What do you want?" replied Newstone, astonished, "That was only the half!"
Atonement
It is the custom of orthodox Jews on Yon Kippur, or the Day of Atonement, to be reconciled and make peace with those neighbors with whom they may have quarrelled during the year. Accordingly Abram Feldman goes to Solomon Finkelstein and says:
"Shloeme, we have been mad at each other for 5 months, but now that Yon Kippur is here and we must ask God above to forgive us our sins, it won't do for us not to forgive one another. I said some harsh things about you, and you said some about me; but that is past. I forgive you everything and I wish you for the coming year—I wish you all that you wish me!"
"Avroml!" cried Solomon sternly, "Are you beginning again?"
Guessed Wrong
A shadchen introduced a young business man to the family of a young lady who, it was understood, was not averse to marriage.
As the shadchen and the young man were leaving the house, the former began to magnify the prosperous circumstances of the family.
"Did you see the genuine rugs?" he asked. "Did you see the valuable ornaments the mother had on? And the whole establishment? And the sideboard loaded with all that silver?"
"Well," remarked the youth skeptically,